Shots Across the Bow

Due to routinely getting its ass kickedlosing it's time slot to the killer talents of Charlie Sheen, Jon Cryer, and whoever it is that plays the kid on Two and a Half Men, Fox has announced the immediate cancellation of 24, which will be replaced by reruns of Sanjaya crying after he was booted off American Idol.

In other news, FoxNews will also cancel The O'Reilly Factor, since it lost in its time slot to Dancing with the Stars, just like Drive. The factor will be replaced by repeats of Roller Girls.

Finally, Fox will also work to cancel Battlestar Galactica, even though it airs on another network.

Has anybody else noticed that the background music on many cooking shows sounds a lot like the background music for, er...um...adult feature films?

Or is it just me?

The current flap over whether or not George Allen used a certain word 20 years ago has led me to scrutinize my past for any verbal indiscretions I may have uttered over the last 4 decades.

Although my memories of the 60s are pretty hazy, I feel relatively certain that impolite words did not pass my lips during that time period without incurring swift and sure retaliation from my parents. I assure you that I paid for those words dearly.

However, I must report that on at least 3 occasions through the 1980's, I did in fact use a derogatory term, at the time widely accepted, but now utterly banned from polite conversation.

I called a classmate of mine a fart smeller.

I know, I know, it was hateful of me, and unkind, and totally unwarranted, because my classmate did not smell farts, he smelled like a fart.

I abjectly apologize for my use of the phrase, and can only plead youthful indiscretion, in hopes that my current friends and acquaintances will understand and accept that I truly have nothing against fart smellers.

So, did anybody actually watch the Emmy's Sunday night?

Neither did I.

But I did hear this morning about all the people who were offended that the show opened with a parody plane crash tied to the TV show Lost. Apparently some folks in Kentucky felt it was in bad taste since they had a plane crash that killed 49 people that very morning.

You know, they have a point. It is kind of offensive. So I started thinking about all the other potentially offensive things we should remove from TV.

• People die in car crashed every day, and seeing one on TV would certainly hurt the surviving family members, so let's remove all car crashes and chases from every movie and TV show. And commercial for that matter.
  
• No more detective shows featuring murder and rape.
  
• No more CSI shows either.
  
• No more hospital shows, which might offend those who have been in a hospital
  
• No more competitive sports, because the violence might offend the pacifists, and the fact that somebody loses might offend all the losers in the viewing audience.
  
• No more Jerry Springer (Not necessarily a bad thing.)
  
• No more Oprah (Ditto)
  
• No more beer commercials, because they might offend the non drinkers, and besides, they prominently feature pretty women, and that's a big no-no.
  
• Feminine hygiene product ads will be allowed because nobody could be offended talking about extra heavy menstrual flows during dinner, right?
  
• No religious programming at all.
  
• No more sitcoms, unless every joke is targeted at Southern, white, conservative, Christian males, because they deserve it.
  
• No more reality shows. No, I'm serious on this one. No more. For the love of all that's holy, no more!
  
• No home shopping shows, which might offend the poor.
  
• No more makeover shows, that might offend the poor and ugly.

So, after we've cleansed television of all the offensive content, what are we left with?

Sunday morning political talk shows and ads for feminine hygiene products, AKA douche ads and douche bags.

Killer lineup, eh?

And if I haven't offended enough folks yet, let's go further. To all of you people who were offended by the opening of the Emmy's, do you really think anybody who lost a family member on that flight was actually watching?

"Uncle Fred is dead; I don't know how I can go on. Oh look! The Emmy's are on!"

Please!

Or do you think that maybe somehow, over the course of a 10 hour day, they managed to forget all about the crash until they saw the opening of the Emmy's?

Again, please!

I have the deepest sympathy for those who lost somebody in that crash. I have the deepest contempt for those who are trying to use that tragedy to manufacture outrage and headlines.

From NOA Weather Agency:

Emergency Dispatch to all wre services.

There will be 47 named storms next season consisting of 38 hurricanes, 12 of which will be Catagory 5. All 47 storms will take direct aim at New Orleans.

This forecast will be revised as necessary to conform with reality, but for now, we just want to scare the pants off everybody.

"Professional Bull Riding" and "Chihuahua Challenge"

If our sense of taste is mostly due to our sense of smell, how come perfume smells so good and tastes so nasty?

I was taking a closer look at the gas price map I linked yesterday via Gunner and I noticed something.

The states with the highest average gas prices are the states that voted for Kerry. The Blue States are finally going Red!

I now understand what happened, and it wasn't their fault.

Through my own investigative skills, I found out that Karl Rove used to be a dedicated reader of Hobbs Online. Now that he's got some free time, Karl decided it was time for Bill to begin blogging again. And so, with the Machiavellian deviosity he's trademarked over several decades of political manipulation, Karl swung into action, beginning a whispering campaign, and leaving an anonymous tip for Mr. Kopp, who ran with it. The events that followed, leading up to Bill's departure from Belmont University, were all anticipated and guided by Mr. Rove to make sure that Bill had the time and the inclination to resume blogging once again.

So you see, it wasn't the folks at the Scene's fault. They couldn't help it; they were outwitted by the master strategist.

!!!WARNING!!!

The following post may be deemed offensive by people sensitive to the needs of people living with alternate sexualities, those who in fact have alternate sexualities, those with no discernable sexuality at all, liberals, and sheep. For these people, and the rest of the humor impaired, I suggest you do not hit the "more" link, and instead spend the next 5 minutes or so in meditative contemplation on the wonders of our world. For the rest of us, onward, but certainly not upward...

In what may be a first, Rand Simberg tells a joke.

My friend Frank Murphy just made a commercial. You can see it here. (requires Internet Explorer. May not work for Mozilla users.)

As you might guess, my Mom's not real thrilled that I hang out with him.

So, they're going to fix the shuttle using a spacewalk to clip off the two strings dangling from underneath the shuttle. The've been planning this spacewalk for several days now, going over every aspect of the job, uitilizing countless man hours from some of the greatest brains on the planet to make sure the shuttle comed home safe.

And what do these experts come up with?

Duct tape.

They built a hacksaw out of a bent blade and duct taped it to a handle and they're ready to go.

Next time y'all want to laugh as NASCAR, just remembe rthat those good old boys are using NASA approved technology everytime they send a beat up race car back out onto the track.

I’m listening to REM’s Bad Day which is kind of appropriate. I tried out for Einstein Simplified a second time and just found out that once again I failed to make the cut. I feel so unfunny I thought about taking up accounting until I remembered they actually have an accountant in the group.

It’s pretty sad when you realize you’re not even funny enough to be an accountant.