Shots Across the Bow

A Reality Based Blog


Agenda for the Republican National Convention

Straight Talk posted an Agenda for the Democratic National Convention. Katie linked it,and asked for somebody to create a Republican version. Since most liberals/progressives are bereft of a sense of humor,and consider themselves to be "above" satire and parody, I figured I would take a swing at it.

I'm not above anything if it gets a laugh. So, without further ado, I present

The 2008 Republican National Convention

0800Opening invocation for racial tolerance given by Ron Paul
0830Alan Keyes speaks on "The Second Amendment: The Cornerstone of Compassionate Conservatism."
0835Paul supporters, including Paul campaign manager Kent Snyder, are forcibly removed from the convention floor for heckling Alan Keyes. Paul insists he never met any of them.
0930Rush Limbaugh address "Media Dominance by the Left Wing Whackos (8 hour seminar broken into two 4 hour segments, aired continuously on convention radio station for the duration of the convention.)
1000Fred Thompson arrives for the opening invocation.
1100Tom Selleck signs autographs in the lobby. Nobody recognizes him.
1200Ann Coulter speaks on "Winning Progressive Hearts and Minds through Shrieking Bombast and Little Black Dresses."
1230Tom Tancredo speaks on "Strong Fences Make for Better Neighbors" then proposes that we use pre-deportation illegal aliens to build the fence.
1300Fred Thompson arrives to hear Ann Coulter speak.
1330Lunch. Fred gets there on time, but only because he thought it was a fundraiser.
1430Naptime for McCain, Paul, Thompson, et al.
1530Announcement that all delegates have been replaced by Diebold voting machines, ensuring a fair and accurate nomination process.
1630Polling of the Diebold delegates begins.
1635Diebold delegates suffer mysterious failure. Bush wins nomination for unconstitutional 3rd term.
1640Al Gore invades the convention with Jimmy Carter to restore order to the electoral process. A freak snow storm breaks out inside the convention hall. AL Gore screams about global warming. Jimmy mutters something about consulting with Amy.
1645The US Supreme Court upholds the Bush win.
1650Al Gore has nervous breakdown and eats Jimmy Carter. And there was much rejoicing.
1655Bush declines to run,saying "Working for you vultures for 8 years is enough! Come February, I'm getting hammered!"
1700Fred Thompson decides it's time to kick the campaign into high gear and drives a red pickup truck up onto the stage, running over Duncan Hunter and Mike Huckabee. Nobody notices.
1800John McCain accepts the recounted nomination, saying "Yippee Kai Yay Mother F.......!"
1820Mitt Romney proclaims God's Kingdom on Earth and claims the nomination for himself through divine right as head of the planet.
1825The Angel Maroney appears and claims Mitt for himself,taking him off to his planet as his love slave.
1830Chuck Norris removes Fred Thompson from his pickup truck by dragging him through the side vent and explains to him that he doesn't appreciate Fred stealing all the Chuck Norris facts and passing them off as his own. Chuck finishes Fred off with two spinning backfists and a roundhouse kick to the side of the head.
1900John McCain's bedtime.
2000Fred Thompson falls down.
2100With no other contenders left standing, Alan Keyes becomes the party nominee and names J C Watts as his Veep,and leader of his krew.
2105With Hillary winning the Democratic nominee, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson become Republicans.
Posted by Rich
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