Shots Across the Bow

A Reality Based Blog


Pimp My City: More Voodoo Regulation from the Knoxville Titty Council

Well, the ordinances passed last week, and despite the upcoming legal battle the burqas have prevailed and the boobies have been caged.

Except for the ones serving on the Knoxville City Council, who, given their preoccupation with the female bosom, shall now and forevermore be known on these pages as the Titty Council. After all, by virtue of the requirement that all exotic dancers be licensed to strip, the council has taken on the onerous yet admittedly entertaining task of judging exactly which titties will be allowed to be displayed. By the way, I'd like to volunteer my time and expertise for the position of Titty Inspector. Just pay me in singles, please.

The dancers must pay a fee to the City of Knoxville in order to ply their trade. Now, what's the street name for somebody who profits off of a woman's sexuality?

Hint: It rhymes with "chimp" and is not usually an activity associated with civic virtue, but then again, the times, they are a changin, right?

Yep, our city council sure knows what's best for us. Now that they've pretty much run all those dangerous strip clubs out of town, they're continuing the battle against the demon alcohol.

A city ordinance that they passed a couple of months ago is going into effect now, one that requires everyone that buys an alcoholic beverage to show their papers, er, I mean, their ID.

Of course, the Titty Council has our best interests at heart, as they always do; they're just trying to stop underage drinking.

I just wonder how carding a 70 year old grandmother is going to stop some kid, who by law is already prevented from buying alcohol, from buying alcohol. My only guess is that the Titty Council has taken a page from Homeland Security; unfortunately, it's the page that leads to 12 year old girls getting patted down at airports on suspicion that they might be terrorists.

There's simply no reason to card anyone who is abviously over 21. Well, no legitimate reason anyway. Lest anyone be taken in by the lies of the Titty Council, this has nothing to do with keeping alcohol out of the hands of minors, and everything to do with increasing city revenues and making it harder to serve or sell alcohol. Bars, convenience stores and liquor stores are all easy targets now for fines, as it is virtually impossible to card everybody all of the time. After multiple fines, the Beer Board, which is simply the Titty Council in disguise (Hmmmm, titty inspections and beer; I'm beginning to sense a pattern here. I may have to move to Knoxville so I can run for the Council; before too long, they may be the only ones in the city that are allowed to have fun.) can revoke the permit of the establishment in question, thus removing temptation from the path of us poor lost sinners, oops, I mean, fine, upstanding citizens.

And the fine folks that run our fair city wonder why they have trouble attracting people.

Hi! Come to Knoxville! We've run every sports team that isn't irrevocably tied to the city out of town; we've passed taxes that insure that no major musical act will ever play our city again; we have no museums of any note and we've voted down every idea that might have brought some culture or entertainment to our downtown area. (Except for a new movie theater, an idea we found to be quite daring.) We're closing the titty bars, and we require that you show your papers every time you buy a drink; we're working on banning smoking in public but we don't mind if you chew, as long as you don't spit.

And our most exciting attraction is the Women's Basketball Hall of Fame!

People should be flocking to our gates!
Posted by Rich
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