Shots Across the Bow

A Reality Based Blog

 

Sevierville Plague Spreads to West Knoxville

In addition to unclean toilet seats, we must add the lobbies of West Knoxville movie theaters to the list of places where the unwary can pick up the particularly virulent strain of STD known as the Sevier County Sidewalk Timeshare Disease. I went to the movies with Lissa, Doug, Cathy and Tommy, about which more in a moment, and when I entered the lobby of the Regal Pinnacle, the hair on the back of my neck began to curl up, and I knew something was wrong. As I moved towards the snack counters, the hair on the back of my knees began to curl up, and I knew it was time to shave my legs again. I looked warily around the lobby, looking for the source of my unease, and out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of familiar looking pamphlets.

I was caught off guard and unaware, ladies and gentlemen. I wasn't expecting to be exposed to an STD in a West Knoxville movie theater, and I relaxed my guard for a split second. I glanced at the pamphlets and to my horror saw Dixie Stampede, Dollywood, and the Black Bear Brothers Breakfast Show leering up at me in four color separations and a million exclamation points. I flinched back in terror, knowing what was coming next, and tried to make myself invisible, but it was too late. The predatory gleam in the eyes of the harridans behind the folding table told me I was about to be sullied in mind and soul.

"We have lots of wonderful package deals for you and your wife. Stop and look at our wonderful discounts!"

What could I do? What could I say? "I'm a local" wouldn't work, because here, I wasn't a local. My mind raced. My heart pounded. My blood curdled. My popcorn went stale.

I snapped.

"I live in Sevier county and I drove 45 minutes to see a movie here just so I could get away from you blood sucking vampires! Leave me alone!"

Mothers snatched up their small children. Girlfriends cowered behind their boyfriends. Boyfriends cowered behind their boyfriends. The popcorn girl was giving me the hairy eyeball. That or she got salt in her eye. It was hard to tell. I backed away from the table slowly, making sure I didn't make eye contact with Typhoid Terry behind the table. That's the only was to avoid infection. "I came here to see a movie about a monster that eats New York City, not to make a real estate transaction that will change my life forever. Besides, with the price of popcorn these days, I can't afford a dog house for my dog, much less a vacation home. So just back off, and nobody will get hurt!"

When I looked around, Cathy, Doug, Lissa, and Tommy were all already in the theater, having made their escape while I held the monsters at bay. I felt like a knight that had just slain his first dragon until I got a text from Doug.

"Don't come into the theater until the lights go down. The ladies don't want to be seen with you."

Women can be so shy!
Posted by Rich
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I think it was more the reference to the "wife" that freaked you out more than anything.

wink
Posted by LissaKay  on  01/20  at  05:53 AM

It's bad enough to pay to watch commercials for coke, tv shows and the newspaper, but the lobby should be a harassment free zone.
Posted by Cathy  on  01/20  at  11:32 AM

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