Shots Across the Bow

A Reality Based Blog


STD’s in Sevier County and How to Avoid Them

It's become an epidemic.

The infected ones are everywhere you go, everywhere you look; there's no escaping them, and they have no shame. They prey mostly on out of towners, folks who don't know better. They look good and their come on is insidiously attractive but once you fall into their clutches, you may be burdened with an albatross for the rest of your life.

I'm talking of course about Sidewalk Timeshare Disease.

You're no longer safe anywhere, especially if you're out with your wife or girlfriend. You might think the presence of a significant other might shame them into silence but no, it emboldens them. It's like the scent of blood to a great white shark.

"Are you on your honeymoon?" they might ask, coyly. As if a newlywed couple would answer, "Why yes, we are on our honeymoon. You know, my new wife and I have dreamed of this day for years. We spent months planning every detail of this week, and the only thing we didn't think of was to make a major real estate purchase between bouts of wild monkey love. How fortunate we are to have come across you!"

I first came across this insidious infection in Hawaii. I flew into Honolulu every two months on my way to work on Johnston Atoll. During my day and a half layover, I would wander the streets of Honolulu, taking in the sights and enjoying the scenery. Unfortunately, every block or so, there would be a timeshare pitchman, hustling the tourist couples looking for suckers. They generally left me alone since I was single at the time, but there was one evening when I was walking a sweet young thing to her apartment, because that's the kind of guy I am, and we were accosted multiple times by the touts, until they seemed to recognize her, and then they just pointed at me and smirked. I have to admit I was surprised how well she was known on the street, and you can imagine my shock when I discovered that she...but that's another story for another time.

We're here to talk about STDs and how to avoid them.

It's tough to do. Some of these vultures are more persistant than a thigh rash on a fat man running a marathon.

In July.

They're also not real bright. Just to show my kind heartedness,here's a tip for all you touts who have trouble pitching to appropriate candidates. If a single man is in an East Tennessee WalMart at 5:30PM on a Wednesday during the off season, and he's wearing overalls and a UT ball cap, and has a shopping cart loaded with about $300 worth of groceries, he's most likely a local and not here on vacation. Do not bother him.

Now for those of you who aren't from around here,and don't know how to blend in with the local crowd, I'm about to share a secret with you second only to the 30 min route from I 40 to downtown Gatlinburg that's never backed up.

If you want these annoying predatory real estate vultures off your back simply master the following phrase:

"I'm a local."
Posted by Rich
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