Stability For Our Time

It's a little after midnight and I'm sitting in the hospital lounge wondering what to tell you and what to skip. Lindsey's mom Sandy saw me getting ready to post and she told me I'm not allowed to write anymore because I keep making people cry. It's not intentional I assure you; I just write what comes to mind.

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First of all, Luke is holding steady. We're in a sort of holding pattern while we wait for a slot in the OR. Luke's lungs have improved to the point where it's safe to give him a tracheotomy, and we really need to do that in order to wake him up. If we try to wake him up right now, the irritation from his breathing and feeding tubes would probably lead to him hurting himself or damaging his lungs, which are greatly improved, but by no means healed. We're hoping to get a slot in the OR Tuesday, but the doctors said we might have to wait until Wednesday. I've very nervous about waiting; the longer he's on the vent, the more time we have for something bad to happen. This pins and needles waiting is awful. Of course, I'm much happier to be where we are now than where we were last week, but I really, really want them to let Luke wake up.

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Father's Day was a very interesting day. Lissa got herself a new netbook. Lindsey got a new bloodhound puppy. (Don't tell Luke. It's a surprise.) My sister bought herself a smoker. And I got to take my wife and Lindsey out for pizza. That I paid for. Oh, they did take me out to Marble Slab for ice cream, but that doesn't really count because mine was free.

I got a better present than anybody. Luke opened his eyes while I was in his room. He was still heavily sedated, and he probably wasn't really aware I was there, except in a vague almost unconscious way, but then again, he's 18, and that's probably pretty close to his usual level of awareness of my presence.

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An update for those who are concerned about Jill, the English lady whose husband suffered a stroke. First of all, the preliminary prognosis of an unrecoverable stroke has been adjusted dramatically. Her husband is not out of the woods, but he's off the ventilator, able to speak and recognize her, and is now expected to recover, although the extent of any deficits is unknown. Her son Paul flew out to be with her, and although he had to go back home yesterday, her sister-in-law will be out to stay with her later in the week.

I met Paul in the SCC lounge, and despite the fact that I knew Jill's son was coming, and that he was watching soccer, and that he spoke with a clear English accent, I didn't identify him as Jill's son until she came up and started talking to him. Yes, sleep deprivation is taking its toll on a once great mind.

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People ask me how I deal with the stress and strain over such a long period of time. I wish I had some answers to give them, but the truth is I just keep stepping forward and trusting God to carry me forward. I can tell you that every time I start to feel sorry for myself, God shows me just how well off I really am. A couple of days ago, I sat in the lounge and pretended not to hear as a mother fought for the life of one son while making plans to bury another. My heart was breaking for her, but I knew there was nothing I could do or say, and that she would just resent it if I tried to intrude. I said a quiet prayer for her.

I find myself doing that a lot these days. Lissa and I were leaving Luke's bed yesterday and as we walked through the hall, there was a small family group praying. I put my hand on Lissa's shoulder and let her lead me as I bowed my head, closed my eyes and prayed for strength for them. I prayed for Judy, who lost her loved one; for Gary, whose wife of 15 years is fighting an aneurysm; for Brandon, who was in a car wreck like Luke; for Jeff and his sister Michelle; I pray for people I don't even know, that I just pass in the hallway.

I guess that's how I deal with it, by praying for those who need it.

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Luke's nurses have been exceptional through the whole thing. I can't praise them highly enough except to say that God is working miracles through their hands and more importantly, their hearts. I won't name names because I don't want to embarrass them or cause them any difficulties, but I will be forever grateful to each one of them because they truly invested themselves in my son. They treated him like he was part of their family, and let us be part of their team. We bonded with them almost immediately. I can't imagine the emotional cost that bringing that level of commitment to your patient must cost them, but I can say that it was deeply appreciated.

One of Luke's nurses got sick and had to take some time off. Her replacement impressed me tremendously because instead of just reading the chart, she asked us to tell her all about Luke. She wanted to get to know him as a person, and not just a patient.

Another one of Luke's nurses confided that they had thought about taking another patient after their days off because they didn't think they could handle it emotionally if things went any further south. But in an act of what I consider to be tremendous courage, they did come back to nurse him because they knew they were needed, both by Luke, and by us. I don't know what they pay you guys, but whatever it is, it isn't enough.

I know some of Luke's nurses are reading this, and I want you to know, even though I've already told most of you directly, that your passion and commitment to Luke didn't just save his life, it gave me the strength to stand strong for him. You kept me informed, which allowed me to worry when appropriate; you educated me so I could assess what was going on; you kicked me out and made me go home when I needed to; you paid me the compliment of being totally honest with me, and you did so with kindness and grace. Because of you, I didn't wind up in a bed next to Luke.

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The doctors are pretty good too.

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I believe there may be something of a double standard at work in the SCC. When Sandy spends the night back with Luke, the staff works to accommodate her and make her comfortable. When I stay back there, I sit on the toilet seat cover, lean up against the cold glass and try not to slide off the seat. Maybe I'm not showing enough leg...

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There is still a union protest going in in front of the hospital which suits me just fine. As long as they are out there sitting under the shade behind their sign, I know that the people who are in the hospital right now taking care of my son are motivated by something a little bit stronger than greed.

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I'm going to close this out by saying "Thank You" to all the people who have come by, written, sent food or flowers, posted comments, or added Luke to their prayer circles and chains. Your love, support, and prayers have helped us tremendously and I pray that you are all blessed in return. I've been blessed so much through this, and am being allowed to be in the middle of a miracle. I've been given the smallest of glimpses into God's Plan, and while I don't ever hope to understand it all, He's given me enough insight to know that even tremendous trials like this one work for good in accordance with His purpose. This gives me great comfort, and I hope I can share that comfort with as many people as possible.

One of the most troubling questions for Christianity is "Why do bad things happen to good people?" I tried to answer that one earlier, but I've learned that what I used to believe barely scratched the surface. I was right in what I believed, but my knowledge was very shallow; it was intellectual, not spiritual.

Not anymore.

The question now is how do I communicate that depth of knowledge and understanding to other people without requiring them to go through what I just went through. When I get an answer, I'll let you know.

I began reading your blog after reading the blog written by Henry Granju's mom. Your situation has touched by heart and I know what it is like to have your child involved in an automobile accident. My daughter was a passenager when her friend was hurt and sustained a brain injury. Thank the good Lord both girls are now back to some sense of normal (whatever that is for young adults). I read todays post and there is a section when you talk about "Why do bad things happen to good people?" I so wish I had a tape of my dad's sunday school lesson from this past Sunday. He wrote on the white board the following statement "Life is NOT Fair" - we are studying about Joseph's life when he was in prison. Dad taught that no Life is NOT Fair however God has a bigger plan and that unfair things that happen to us are just preparing us to handle lifes other bumps and bruises. I will add you family to my prayer list. God Bless you and thank you for sharing about your family and your faith.

We spent 2 months at UT, most of that time in the SCC.My nephew was in a car accident w/TBI, bleeding on his brain,dissected aorta,two broken ankles & eventually very sick lungs.I had to skip some parts on your blog b/c it brought back the fears.We dealt w/ the DiffuseAxonal,ARD, oscillator,air bed,all of it. I am writing you to tell you my nephew has recovered.From his entry to ER until he opened his eyes was almost a full month,a very scary month. He still has a long way to go. He has some physical limitations, but he is alive & he functions. I remember the night I told God that I wanted him to live, then I remember with the next breath saying, "but if your will doesn't allow it, thank you for the 23 years we've had him". My nephew & my sister visit the SCC unit frequently. They never leave that a tear isn't shed by someone on staff that knows where we were 6, 5, 4 and even 3 mos ago. I just want you to know, as it seems you do,we serve an awesome almighty God, He is the ultimate healer. Your son is in a wonderful place,the best place and great people administering to him.God bless your family & I want you to know Luke and each of you will be in my prayers. TOTAL HEALING!

Hey, heard about your situation from mamapundit's blog - just wanted to stop by and tell you, from one parent to another, your kiddo and family are in my prayers. Sending good thoughts your way.
Perry

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